Every three years, New Zealanders’ carefully curated ‘nice guy’ persona is put to one side
It’s a big week in global politics, as the tension of a critical election crackles like electricity. The fight for the soul of a nation is at stake and has ramifications for the wider world as we absorb the only poll that truly matters – that of the 2026 New Zealand general election.
At times the campaign has risked overwhelming even the United States midterms, with office water coolers reaching boiling point from the political hot-take hydration breaks. That is, of course, if you find yourself inside the boundaries of the best-looking little country on Earth. A place where every three years, New Zealanders’ carefully curated “nice guy” persona is put to one side as the contest of mate against mate, state against … well, itself, takes place.
So concerned are New Zealanders with how this period of incivility presents to the wider world that it is rumoured to have been a deliberate tactic to put up two white guys, both named Chris, for Kiwis to choose from to be the country’s next prime minister.
Because Chris is the type of name that slips under the radar; a Chris is the member of your indoor netball team who no one remembers asking to join, but who always shows up. They might not be very good as goal shooter, but they aren’t going to be sent off for pushing over Jenny from accounts.
And this tactic appears to be working. In viewing the NZ election from afar, some of the only spillover I’ve seen has been the frequent gaffes by the current prime minister (Chris 1) – a man, it seems, made for TikTok. Meanwhile. Chris 2’s “get to know” file includes his occasional penchant for a mince pie from a dairy, which is an exceptionally Kiwi sentence to write.
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While one New Zealand commentator cynically described it as an election where both parties were releasing as little policy as possible so as to not lose an election, perhaps the greater good of this dull approach is that anyone planning an overseas trip to Queenstown will continue to think locals all stroll barefoot arm in arm humming the theme tune from Lord of the Rings in harmony together.
However, a current scroll of any Kiwi’s Facebook page reveals the stark opposite: the sky is about to collapse under the weight of certain impending doom if (insert party of non-choice here) gets elected.
The other downside of having so little to campaign on is that it has allowed side stories, backstories and minor parties to flourish. Anyone tuning into New Zealand politics recently could be forgiven for thinking it is simply having a referendum on gangs.
Like a scene from a modern adaptation of the TV series Yes Minister, my distant following of the event showed that an MP had a photo with some gang members, which caused opposing MPs to scream, “YOU LOVE GANGS” and they screamed back that “THEY DIDN’T LOVE GANGS” – and they fired that person. But then a political lobby group put up a billboard saying “YES THEY DO LOVE GANGS”. And then it was revealed the party they supported also had lots of photos WITH GANG MEMBERS. But this was hard to tell because Chris 1 had banned gang uniforms from being worn two years ago. So everyone started putting up photos of any MP with anyone who looked “a bit scary” and declaring them – definitely totally – in a gang, and that they were BEST FRIENDS with them, and really, the only winner of that debacle was talkback radio.
The irony in all of this was that members of the current government, the ones who kept shouting about how much they hated gangs and loved the law, had meanwhile made a move that has single-handedly created one of the largest groups of New Zealand lawbreakers the country has ever seen.
Because against official advice and frankly, against democracy, Chris 1 slipped through electoral changes to cut off enrolling to vote an unprecedented 13 days before the election. Whereas in Australia it’s illegal to not vote in an election, in New Zealand it’s illegal to not enrol to vote. Previously you could do this up to and even on the day of voting. This is about giving all voting-age citizens a chance to be a part of a functioning democracy no matter their organisational skills.
However, in moving the date with little warning and almost no awareness campaign, many New Zealanders are about to find themselves with a bit more in common with the very gangs the ruling party loves to hate. Anyone who has moved house or overseas, or simply been bumped off the New Zealand roll for any number of minor and often accidental reasons, will now find themselves part of a crime statistic.
While early voting has started for those who Chris 1 has allowed to vote, on Saturday New Zealand gets to decide which Chris will rule them all – because having both at the helm, some would argue, would be a constitutional Chrisis.
